I just watched Silver Linings Playbook (again) it made me laugh and cheered me up, I love that film. I laughed out loud as I do, I'm loud. The man who lives next door probably now thinks some madwoman has broken in to his neighbours house as I am normally at work. I've nearly got through two boxes of tissues in the last two days, I hate being ill. On the upside I slept through all night last, a big improvement on the previous nights two hours sleep on the sofa sitting up so that I could breathe. Life's been very busy the last few weeks, I think this is my body's way of saying ok calm down. What with studying till my eyes fell out on my PTLLS coursework (Preparing to Teach in the Life Long Sector), which to be honest I did find interesting and helpful for my training but I would have enjoyed it a lot more if they gave us more time. Just under three weeks to complete the coursework was too much in to short a time. If I were retired it would have been fine. But that's done now and sent off, just waiting on the results now which should be anytime this week.
Then there was my driving test last week which was stressful. I tried not to worry about it, but I am a worrier, I can't help it. And I passed, although I swear to god I thought I had failed and so did my instructor who was sitting in the back of the car while I had my test. I don't know who was more surprised him or me when the instructor said 'I'm pleased to tell you, you have passed'. I didn't hear anything she said after that it was all a blur. The driving went really well and I actually felt confident, probably one of my better drives (not to big myself up or anything) but the manoeuvre went totally tits up. It actually couldn't have been much worse. All I hoped for was that in my test I wouldn't get reverse around a corner, so when she pulled me over and said we are going to reverse around that corner, my heart sank. And I fluffed it in ways I've never fluffed it before. But maybe she saw that in other ways I'm a pretty safe driver and for some reason she chose to pass me so I am not going to complain about that! There was a slightly hairy moment before I even got in the car when she didn't believe I was the same person as the picture on my driving license. If it was a joke it wasn't very funny. She made me take my glasses off and told me I looked about 12 in the photo. My instructor who was actually my music teacher when I was at school was about to step in and say he knew me when I was 12 its definitely her, when she relented her questioning and let me lead her to the vehicle. It was a hot day but that's not the only reason I was sweating.
I am so relieved but have yet to take my first solo flight. I drove to Bromley and back on Saturday with Jay in the car which was good but scary on a busy Saturday afternoon, we got there and back in one piece. I did however tackle a multi story car park for the first time, but I kind of cheated and drove round and round to the very top where not many people park so I had ample room to get into a space. It was good though. I can't believe how far I have come in a year from when I first started learning to drive. I have always said I would never drive, and I was literally terrified when I started lessons but I made the decision that I wanted more independence. I want to be able to do my photography when I want without making Jamie chauffeur me. I want to disappear off to national trust parks miles away and take photos without having to wait for everyone else to be free to drive me up there. I nearly gave up several times, one day in particular when I came home crying I told Jamie that's it I can't do this anymore. But then I changed instructor and this made all the difference. I started to realise I can do this, its going to take me a long time but I can do it. Then I started to enjoy it. I was still nervous before every lesson but it got less and less. And now its done, the test is over but the real test is going out and driving around. Which I know is going to be scary for a while yet.
Jays recently taken one of his exams, and although it wasn't me studying I still found it stressful, and I'm sure he found it stressful watching me study and moan about my coursework. During the actual course I rediscovered that I like to teach. But I also discovered that the reason I don't love what I'm doing at work is because the people I teach (generally) don't really want to be there. I want to teach something people have booked, they have decided I want to learn this, they are interested. I'd also like to teach something that I am enthusiastic about. How can I get people to enjoy something which I don't really enjoy myself. So my next big challenge is to find that something that I want to learn and then learn to teach it. This could take some time.
I am very excited about starting a sign language course in September. I went to a free taster session a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed it. I've been thinking about doing it for years but kept putting it off as it is quite a big commitment, but the taster session was the push I needed. I am now looking into art classes. When I was at college doing my theatre design degree, one of the things that I always felt held me back was my drawing skills. Although friends and family told me my drawing was great it was clear on that course that my drawing was no where near as skilled as what others can do. I watched my friends sketch and paint with fine art skills and felt deflated as I struggled to do my best. One of my teachers tried to encourage me to enrol on a drawing course to improve myself but for some reason it knocked my confidence and I felt like I couldn't do it. I hadn't drawn anything for years and then recently this last year I started to draw the odd thing again, mainly animals as this is something I find I really enjoy. I just love animals. Then I realised that I do have skill it is just not as honed as it could be, but I do love to draw. So I am going to find a course in some sort of drawing or painting, just for fun, to get me back into it and make me a better artist. Now that I am not being marked on my art skills it doesn't matter if I make mistakes, if I draw something crap. I can just screw it up, shrug my shoulders and draw something else.
I cannot wait until our holiday in two weeks time. We are going on a cruise around the med for a week. I have never been on a cruise and we didn't set out to book one either it just happened really. I am just so excited about seeing lots of new places, taking photos and us just having a new adventure everyday. Lots of good things to look forward to. This is why writing makes me feel better because all the crap comes out, I look at it, read it through, then realise that I've already come past it and now have lots of good things to look forward to. Now piss off germs, thanks for making me realise I need to take it easy this week but you can go now you've done your job. I'll finish this blog with a picture that always makes me smile and then I'm going to eat some chocolate cake because in my experience I've found this to be much more effective than antibiotics.
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